One thought on “For one who appreciates a clever thing…”

1. It’s from sometime after WWI, given the references to Germany and Paris at war (and especially the mention of Joffre). I wish I could find images of BCS letterhead…

   For one who appreciates a clever thing,
   whether it be in fun or more serious vein.

   Rattling Round in Rattle Creek.

   Rattling Round in Rattle Creek.

   Rattle I.

   While sitting at my desk one day,
   I said I’d like to run away
   To some nice spot, eat some real food;
   Fresh air and sunshine would feel good!
   My friend replied, “I think you’re sick,
   Quick, hurry off to Rattle Creek.
   Far from the world, its cares and strife
   For there they lead the simple life.”

   I reached the San one Friday night
   And found the lobby crowded quite,
   With people singing off the key
   “Near-er, Near-er, My God, to Thee.”
   “What is the matter?” loud I cried,
   “Have any patients lately died?”
   “No,” said the clerk, “on Friday late
   The Sabbath we do celebrate.
   Far from the world, its cares its strife,
   For here we lead the simple life.”

   He further said, “The Doctors all
   Have offices in the front hall.
   This little book they’ll mark for you,
   Showing exactly what to do.
   What time to bathe, what time to play,
   How many calories a day
   Of our pure food you may consume,
   To make you from disease immune.”

   Rattle II.

   My first physician said to me,
   “You must not drink coffee or tea,
   Coctails abjure, and highballs, too,
   And only drink our ‘Minute Brew’.
   Should this too stimulating be
   Then take one cup of ‘Kaffir Tea’.
   Delicious, comforting, and mild,
   A blessing both to man and child.”

   The next man said, “You must not eat
   Of chicken, fish, eggs, cheese, or meat,
   They swarm with animalculae.
   (Thanks. Twenty dollars is my fee.)
   Instead of these, it is my plan
   To feed you quantities of bran;
   It will destroy these deadly germs.
   ‘Tis sold by all our leading firms.”

   Rattle III.

   The Dr. Kelly said, “You’ve had
   Sweet things and honey. That is bad.
   The bee has horrid parasite
   That into the intestines bite.
   Instead of these I now propose
   To give you ‘Meltose’, ‘Granose’, ‘Brose’,
   And Parallax, a generous dose;
   Here take two bottles every week,
   If energy and health you seek.
   We make them all at Rattle Creek.
   Now get yourself a dietician,
   Select your nurse and electrician,
   And in two years I’ll guarantee
   You will a healthy woman be.”

   K. G. R.

   Rattle IV.

   Tuesdays, at seven forty-two,
   We get a lecture, and a view
   Of bowels, liver, lungs, and lights.
   These films show up the fearful fights
   When germs from Germany espy
   The Paris parasites. Oh, my!
   They each try to annihilate
   The other at a fearful rate,
   And up and down and through the colon
   They keep a tremblin’, keep a rollin’,
   First Ueberalles takes a grip,
   Then Joffre gets him on the hip.
   The causus belli no one knows,
   But scientific men suppose
   It comes from taking our nutrition
   In very bad decomposition.
   Now this disturbance, without question,
   Is no aid to a weak digestion,
   And so the finish of the fight is
   That soon the victim gets colitis.

   What is the cure, I hear you ask?
   My friends, it is no easy task
   To give an answer, though we say
   That in a general sort of way
   We think that you are all too fat
   And you must diet. As to that,
   Our fine health foods will nourish you
   And give the stomach less to do.
   Nor let the terrible colitis
   Intimidate us or affright us.

   K. G. R.

   Final Rattle.

   Prescription, Colitis:

   You will proceed to first stage,
   And take a very good massage;
   You kneel upon your chest and knees,
   The angle forty-five degrees.
   Although this is a hard position
   It gets the patient in condition.
   If many germs in you abide
   We give the straight formaldehyde.
   Our brand of this is very fine
   To get the patient into line.
   If you’re not troubled by this pest
   Then aqua pura is the best.
   The treatments cost three dollars per,
   And very often they occur;
   Which shows how hard we work and strive
   To keep our patients here alive.

   Now, when this part is safely through,
   You then proceed to stage two,
   You will receive an M. A. B.
   If any nurses you can see;
   If not, why then go off to bed,
   And put a wet pack on your head.
   At six A. M. a nurse will flit
   Into your room. An icy mitt
   She will apply unto your spine;
   This also gets you into line.
   Then thank God for the sanitarium,
   And give a generous honorarium.

   K. G. R.

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