One thought on “For one who appreciates a clever thing…”

1. It’s from some­time after WWI, given the ref­er­ences to Ger­many and Paris at war (and espe­cially the men­tion of Jof­fre). I wish I could find images of BCS letterhead…

   For one who appre­ci­ates a clever thing,
   whether it be in fun or more seri­ous vein.

   Rat­tling Round in Rat­tle Creek.

   Rat­tling Round in Rat­tle Creek.

   Rat­tle I.

   While sit­ting at my desk one day,
   I said I’d like to run away
   To some nice spot, eat some real food;
   Fresh air and sun­shine would feel good!
   My friend replied, “I think you’re sick,
   Quick, hurry off to Rat­tle Creek.
   Far from the world, its cares and strife
   For there they lead the sim­ple life.”

   I reached the San one Fri­day night
   And found the lobby crowded quite,
   With peo­ple singing off the key
   “Near-​​er, Near-​​er, My God, to Thee.“
   “What is the mat­ter?” loud I cried,
   “Have any patients lately died?“
   “No,” said the clerk, “on Fri­day late
   The Sab­bath we do cel­e­brate.
   Far from the world, its cares its strife,
   For here we lead the sim­ple life.”

   He fur­ther said, “The Doc­tors all
   Have offices in the front hall.
   This lit­tle book they’ll mark for you,
   Show­ing exactly what to do.
   What time to bathe, what time to play,
   How many calo­ries a day
   Of our pure food you may con­sume,
   To make you from dis­ease immune.”

   Rat­tle II.

   My first physi­cian said to me,
   “You must not drink cof­fee or tea,
   Coc­tails abjure, and high­balls, too,
   And only drink our ‘Minute Brew’.
   Should this too stim­u­lat­ing be
   Then take one cup of ‘Kaf­fir Tea’.
   Deli­cious, com­fort­ing, and mild,
   A bless­ing both to man and child.”

   The next man said, “You must not eat
   Of chicken, fish, eggs, cheese, or meat,
   They swarm with ani­mal­cu­lae.
   (Thanks. Twenty dol­lars is my fee.)
   Instead of these, it is my plan
   To feed you quan­ti­ties of bran;
   It will destroy these deadly germs.
   ’Tis sold by all our lead­ing firms.”

   Rat­tle III.

   The Dr. Kelly said, “You’ve had
   Sweet things and honey. That is bad.
   The bee has hor­rid par­a­site
   That into the intestines bite.
   Instead of these I now pro­pose
   To give you ‘Meltose’, ‘Gra­nose’, ‘Brose’,
   And Par­al­lax, a gen­er­ous dose;
   Here take two bot­tles every week,
   If energy and health you seek.
   We make them all at Rat­tle Creek.
   Now get your­self a dieti­cian,
   Select your nurse and elec­tri­cian,
   And in two years I’ll guar­an­tee
   You will a healthy woman be.”

   K. G. R.

   Rat­tle IV.

   Tues­days, at seven forty-​​two,
   We get a lec­ture, and a view
   Of bow­els, liver, lungs, and lights.
   These films show up the fear­ful fights
   When germs from Ger­many espy
   The Paris par­a­sites. Oh, my!
   They each try to anni­hi­late
   The other at a fear­ful rate,
   And up and down and through the colon
   They keep a trem­blin’, keep a rollin’,
   First Ueber­alles takes a grip,
   Then Jof­fre gets him on the hip.
   The causus belli no one knows,
   But sci­en­tific men sup­pose
   It comes from tak­ing our nutri­tion
   In very bad decom­po­si­tion.
   Now this dis­tur­bance, with­out ques­tion,
   Is no aid to a weak diges­tion,
   And so the fin­ish of the fight is
   That soon the vic­tim gets colitis.

   What is the cure, I hear you ask?
   My friends, it is no easy task
   To give an answer, though we say
   That in a gen­eral sort of way
   We think that you are all too fat
   And you must diet. As to that,
   Our fine health foods will nour­ish you
   And give the stom­ach less to do.
   Nor let the ter­ri­ble col­i­tis
   Intim­i­date us or affright us.

   K. G. R.

   Final Rat­tle.

   Pre­scrip­tion, Colitis:

   You will pro­ceed to first stage,
   And take a very good mas­sage;
   You kneel upon your chest and knees,
   The angle forty-​​five degrees.
   Although this is a hard posi­tion
   It gets the patient in con­di­tion.
   If many germs in you abide
   We give the straight formalde­hyde.
   Our brand of this is very fine
   To get the patient into line.
   If you’re not trou­bled by this pest
   Then aqua pura is the best.
   The treat­ments cost three dol­lars per,
   And very often they occur;
   Which shows how hard we work and strive
   To keep our patients here alive.

   Now, when this part is safely through,
   You then pro­ceed to stage two,
   You will receive an M. A. B.
   If any nurses you can see;
   If not, why then go off to bed,
   And put a wet pack on your head.
   At six A. M. a nurse will flit
   Into your room. An icy mitt
   She will apply unto your spine;
   This also gets you into line.
   Then thank God for the san­i­tar­ium,
   And give a gen­er­ous honorarium.

   K. G. R.

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